“When We Wish Bad Things Would
Happen to Good People”
- Psalm 109:1-5; Matthew 5:21-24
April 27, 2008
Dr. Michael C. Yarbrough

          We know what it feels like, don’t we?  A parent punished you for something you didn’t do.  A friend took credit for your hard work.  A spouse promised to do something but didn’t follow through.  Your child lied to you.  A church friend had a party but didn’t invite you.

          It hurts.  We feel pain.  We’re disappointed.  We’ve been betrayed.  Somehow, it’s easier to deal with hurt caused by a stranger than it is someone we care about.  It’s different.  Isn’t it?

          Thirty-five years ago – when Suanne and I got married – our adjustment to each other was pretty stormy.  I was sure I was right about everything – but so was she.  In the heat of our arguing, I often said things that I later regretted – because they hurt her.  We knew that a healthy marriage was supposed to be something different than ours.  We knew that ours was not the model of what God intended for our love.  But we didn’t know how to stop the cycle of frustration and anger – then the hurt that inevitably came.

          Married couples are not the only ones who hurt each other.  Parenting has got to be one of the toughest jobs that an adult can have.  Sometimes, parents hurt their children.  Sometimes, children hurt their parents.  Our son, Stephen, was a bright, energetic, strong-willed three-year-old.  We were a family of three: two adults – one, an elementary-school teacher – the other a minister with eight years of higher education – and one little three year old – and he was controlling us!  What I discovered was that I wanted to discipline him when I was angry – and things weren’t going my way.  Sound familiar?

          The closer we are to someone – the more time we spend with them – the more intimate our relationship is – the more likely it is that we will have conflict.  Where did we ever get the idea that the more deeply we love someone, the more trouble free our relationship will be?  Hollywood?

          When we enter into a relationship with another, we are separated by the distance of personal history, experiences, family backgrounds, and a vast well of information that we do not know about each other.  As we spend more time together, our intimacy grows.  Intimacy exposes and amplifies our differences.  Some differences we celebrate, but others cause tension.  Tension causes pressure.  The strain of our conflict pushes us away from each other and we have bad feelings about good people – people we know and love.

          Sometimes our bad thoughts for another are rooted in jealousy.  He or she has what we yearn for: attention – possessions – a different kind of life – a particularly important relationship.  Jealousy is at the heart of sibling rivalry and the hard feelings that bubble up between friends.  Who gets the biggest piece of cake – the glass with the most milk – the most quality time and attention?  Sound familiar?

          Sometimes, our bad thoughts for another are rooted in misunderstanding.  Something gets said.  We interpret it in a way that cuts deeply.  How many times have you been hurt by another, only to discover that it was a misunderstanding?  As Suanne and I work with couples in marriage enrichment, and we teach parents how to be better parents, we strongly emphasize effective communication as an important key to relationship growth.  Too many of our relationship tensions come from our failure to be careful and caring listeners – or from our not being accurate and effective speakers.  Sound familiar?

          Sometimes, our bad thoughts for another are rooted in a sense of betrayal.  We get angry when a spouse doesn’t keep a promise.  We are embarrassed or discouraged when a child acts in a way that goes against our personal morals.  We hurt when church friends behave in “un-Christian” ways.  We are frustrated when a family member or friend lets us down.

          It is one thing to be mad at a faceless company – or a stranger on the highway – or an official that you don’t know.  It is quite another when the “Deceitful mouths opened against you” are those you go to class with or break bread with.  It is quite another when family members are the ones who “attack without cause” – or your spouse is your “accuser” – or your children “beset you with words of hate” – or neighbors, “in return for your love, accuse you, even while you pray for them.”  It hurts all the more.  We are angry and defensive all the more.  And we wish bad things would happen to them – all the more!  Sound familiar?

          Is this what God wants for our lives?  Is the message of the gospel of Jesus Christ that we would wish bad things on anyone, much less on those who are the good people in our lives?

          Jesus modeled a lifestyle of reconciliation, not of hurt.  He modeled a lifestyle of healing, not of revenge.  Last Sunday, when I preached a sermon on when we wish bad things would happen to bad people, I said that God wants to us to admit to our feelings.  So – let us begin by confessing our intense, angry, and vengeful emotions to God in prayer.  That’s what the 109th Psalm really is: it is a confession of anger.

          The second step of reconciliation is to go to those who have hurt us.  Jesus felt so strongly about this that he said that even if you remember your hurt in the midst of worship, stop what you are doing – get up and go – do not let hurt and anger and ill will remain in you.  Go to the one who has done the wounding.  Name your personal feelings to him or her: “Dave, I felt attacked and it really hurt when you told our friends that I do not care about them.”  “Mary, when you had that baby shower but didn’t invite me, I was so angry that I wanted to end our friendship.”  “Dad, I feel put down when you make fun of me in front of my boyfriend, and it makes me wish I had a different father.”

          Confess your feelings to God.  Name and own up to your feelings to the one who hurt you.  The third step of healing is to ask for forgiveness.  Ask the hurtful one for forgiveness for the bad feelings you have about him or her, and any part your own actions might have contributed to the brokenness.  Jesus said, “first be reconciled to your brother or sister.”

          The fourth step of reconciliation is to make a loving gesture of peacemaking.  Act out your sincerity and your love for the other.  I heard this story a number of years ago:

There once was an artist who lived in the French countryside.  He summoned a doctor to his home, saying that he was very sick.  The doctor made the lengthy and difficult journey to the artist’s house.  When the doctor arrived, he discovered that the artist wasn’t sick at all.  He had been called there to set the broken leg of the family dog.  The doctor was outraged, but out of compassion for the dog, he set the leg, said not a word, and returned to Paris.

The memory of that incident simmered inside the doctor, until he could live with it no longer.  He summoned the artist to Paris for the purpose of commissioning him to paint a work of art.  When the artist arrived, he was handed a bucket of yellow paint and told to paint the doors on the bookcase of the doctor’s office.

It was then that the artist recognized the doctor’s anger.  The menial job was clearly intended to humiliate him.  The artist had to decide how he would respond.  The artist closed the office door and set to work.  He painted breathtakingly beautiful landscapes on each of the two doors.  The doors were his peace offering.  When the doctor saw them, his anger left him.

          What shall you do when you wish bad things would happen to good people?  Confess your hard feelings to God in prayer.  Name your feelings to the one who has hurt you.  Ask for forgiveness for the feelings and any actions that have contributed to the rift between you.  Make a gesture of peace.  I hope that this day will be the first of many when we wish bad things would happen to good people – but we, instead, choose the path of, and take the actions that lead to reconciliation.

          Let us pray:

          Loving God, Jesus has shown us a way to overcome our unloving and hurtful intention.  Remind us of those we have hurt, or have hurt us.  Send us, with a push, to their doors, where we might, with humility, paint the peacemaking scenes of reconciliation.  In Jesus’ name we ask it.

Amen.